Cookies are no longer nestled among my swimsuits. In a fit of rage, I disposed of them. Shoving the cookies down the garbage disposal was better than hurting someone. While I was at it, I dumped two bottles of corn syrup and flavored syrups. With all the sugary things down the drain, it seems like temptation would have been removed. I tried calming myself with a Rick Steves PBS Travel show but I still ended up eating two big bowls of my husband’s cereal.
Now in the light of day, I realize that taking a jab at my husband by eating cereal I’d bought for him was a pointless move. It made me feel sugar-woozy last night and sugar-hungover today. He didn’t even know it was HIS cereal so he won’t notice it’s gone. It’s likely he doesn’t even know I was upset with him.
I’ve been working on really resting well and had two days where I woke up feeling fabulous–refreshed even. In order to sleep well, I had to really focus my thought life on positive things, limit screen time in the evening and make sure my house was clean. I have a history of getting up to do the dishes or clean the kitchen but then getting side tracked and watching television or reading into the wee hours. For the past few nights, we’ve following a 5 step after dinner routine that has set me up for success for three days in a row and I looked forward to another blissful night of rest. It didn’t happen.
As I crawled into bed, my husband said listen to this and read me a tragic story about a dad who’d lost his son. Between them, my sons are an average of 3,450 miles away as the crow flies. When they were younger I could hear them breathing as they slept. As they grew, I appreciate their independence but I’m still happiest when all my kids are under my roof (at least for the first 24 hours). The story made me cry and miss my kids but then made me mad at my husband. He KNOWS I’m working on happy thoughts before bed.
I felt guilty that I wasn’t sadder for the stranger who’d lost his son then mad again at my husband who was failing to support me in my quest for a healthier life. For 36 days he’s lived with me as I’ve tried to eat less and move more. For 36 days he’s listened as I’ve analyzed what’s working and what’s not. He knows that when I’m tired, I’m a GROUCH. He should be invested in my success if for no other reason that living with a less grumpy person.
My brain was full of these thoughts as I immediately sought out sugar to calm me. I found the cookies I’d moved from my swimsuit drawer. I put them in the sink and ran water on them then sprayed them with Mrs. Meyers Lemon Verbena cleaner. The soggy lemon scented cookies were no longer a temptation.
Still mad, within minutes, I was opening cupboard doors looking for something sweet to eat. As I pondered what I could make with corn syrup, I had a flash of sanity and emptied both jars down the drain. Several bottles of flavored syrup were in the same cupboard so those were cleaned out next. Each empty container made me feel like I could win the war with sugar. I’d like to say my anger drained along with the bottles but it didn’t. Finally, I sat on the couch and numbed my emotional pain with television.
The bad part about the television habit is the years of practice I’ve had in getting a snack to go with show. Now that on-demand television makes binge watching so easy, for people like me who have a snack with a show, several episodes of a show can also mean several snacks.
By the time I finally went to bed, I felt guilty, sad, mad, tired, cold, and like a dismal failure. All the while, my husband’s soft snores indicated that he was getting a good night’s sleep. Clearly, I need a better approach to communicating with him and dealing with disappointment.
Today was a new day and I had plenty of opportunities for fresh starts. Though I haven’t had a heart to heart with my husband yet but I went to aqua aerobics this morning (bringing the cost of my fitness pass down to $77 per class) and I enjoyed healthy fuel throughout the day. I invested in the lives of children and am ready to make a positive influence tomorrow with a different population.